dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
