when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
