You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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