got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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