just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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