I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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