I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
