she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
