So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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