I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
