Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
