I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
