at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
