i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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