Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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