Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
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I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
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Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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