I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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