FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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