Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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