what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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