She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
