i don't like sucking hair
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
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He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
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I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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