Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
