BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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