If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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