Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
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