I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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