I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
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