if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Randomize
