i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
