The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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