i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
