I hate your face
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
