can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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