I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
