The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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