Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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