So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
