I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
