you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
