I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
