It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
