I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
