I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
