I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
