I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
