There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
