I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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