I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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