the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
