it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
