I'm laying in your front yard are you home
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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