So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
