man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
