it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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